Sentimental yet sardonic (booster17) wrote in boosterific,
Sentimental yet sardonic

Apocalypse Prevention The Easy Way (DW/BtVS)

Title: Apocalypse Prevention The Easy Way
Rating: 18, mainly due to Anya’s mouth.
Setting: Doctor Who, season 2. Buffyverse, probably around season 5.
Characters: The Tenth Doctor, Rose, Willow, Buffy, Xander and Anya
Word count: 1106
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I’d be willing to settle for any two of them. Ok, ok, just one? No? Damn.
Summary: Of all the things Buffy had been asked to do to prevent disaster, she really hadn’t been expecting this one.

Author's Notes: Yay! One drabble written this morning, and by the time I finish work, no writing block for the first time in ages. That, and the characters took over severely….

“Huh. Did anyone else feel that?” the Doctor muttered, glancing behind him.

“Never mind the random Sunnydale vampires, okay?” said Willow soothingly, “We’ve got more important fish to consider frying.” She pulled a bemused looking Buffy forward, and shoved her into the Doctor. “Now all you have to do is sleep with her, and bang! Apocalypse prevented!”

It was hard to say whose face looked the more astonished or affronted: Buffy’s, the Doctor’s or Rose’s.

“Bang, Wills?” asked Xander plaintively. “Surely there was a better way to put it?”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Yes, Xander, because we all know how red Willow can go if I even make one mention of your over-sized penis entering my- -”

“Noooooo! Shhh! There will be no talking of the penis or any other male genitalia while we’re trying to save the world,” yelled the increasingly red-faced witch in question. “Hallo? Apocalypse? Never-ending eternity of unknowingness, people?”

Anya nodded towards Rose, and whispered very loudly, “Ever since she became a lesbian, it’s always like this now. It’s all about the pussy preference and penis envy these days.”

A loud whistle blasted the air. “Excuse me?” said Buffy, raising an eyebrow. “Any chance we can get back to the my sleeping with a complete stranger type thing?”

“Oh goddess, please,” moaned a crimson Willow. She flicked open the magic book in her arms and pointed to the page. “See? The prophecy clearly states the lines of the prince of time and the slayer must merge else the very world be frozen for eternity unbeknownst.”

Rose sniffed, and held onto the Doctor’s arm tightly. “Well, even if I did believe in prophecies, that could be any old alien prince you’re talking about. And how’d you know he was alien in the first place?”

Buffy pointed at him. “Double heartbeat.”

“That vampire kept spitting out his blood,” added Xander.

“I met him 875 years ago and he told me he was a Time Lord then,” sighed Anya.

“There’s a picture of him on the next page,” said Willow and turned to it. It was a pretty accurate picture, with the TARDIS in the background, both Rose and the Doctor smiling and in the same clothes as they were wearing there and then. Right down to the muddy splash halfway up the Doctor’s leg.

“Omigod!” said Rose. “Is my hair really that bad?”

“No,” said Xander gallantly. “Yes,” chorused Anya, Buffy and the Doctor. Both Xander and the Doctor received glares, although from different people and for different reasons.

The Doctor frowned. “Look, the only reason we’re here is I picked up a chronal loop forming, and we were somewhat hoping to stop that.”

“Chronal loop?” repeated Xander, desperately trying to ignore Anya petulantly kicking his leg.

“A continual repetition of time and space constantly reiterating itself in the same Rosenberg/Einstein space-time location?” said Willow, cocking her head slightly.

“Well, not as simple as that, but essentially yes,” nodded the Doctor. “Same sort of thing as if the TARDIS was overloaded by bioneural feedback of the universal nadion field and the subsequent drellisian static.”

“… mean magic, right?”

“Well, to the untrained and inexperienced, not to mention lacking several thousand years worth of scientific training….”

Willow lifted one hand, snapped her fingers and a ball of light formed, floating there in mid-air.

“…..ok, I meant magic.”

Buffy sighed. “Okay. Fine. TARDIS, Hellmouth, bad magic everywhere, can of worms open, yada yada yada. Seems fairly obvious you’re both the cause and solution to this problem. But what the hell has this got to do with my sleeping with him?”

The Doctor’s jaw dropped. “Fantastic! Of course! A classic predestination paradox! I wouldn’t have been here unless there was a problem, and the problem wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been here.”

He paused. “You know, this is sounding all horribly familiar for some reason. It’s as though… I already knew this….?”

“Ahem.” Rose tapped her foot on the concrete. “About this sleeping with little Miss Clairol 2000 and whatever?”

“Oh! Oh, I see!” the Doctor said thoughtfully, tapping his teeth with the sonic screwdriver. “I’m psychically linked to the TARDIS, and theoretically, a large enough shock to my system would cause the old girl to reset back down to a more basic configuration which wouldn’t automatically try to draw in power from the surrounding area.”

“Shock to the system? I’ve never heard ejaculation described that way before and I’ve been cursing men for centuries.”

“Look, isn’t this going a bit too far, too fast?” Rose interjected quickly while everyone was still staring at Anya. “Look, Jack kept trying to pull the old sleep-with-me-or-the-universe-dies on me and even I eventually figured that one out. What’s so special about blondie anyway?”

Buffy’s eyes narrowed. Willow, Anya and Xander, all experienced Sunnydale veterans, found themselves moving away slightly.

“Slayer, The. As in She-Who-Will-Cheerfully-Decapitate- -”

“She’s a magical creature herself!” said Willow, quickly moving in between the two of them. “That should be enough of a shock, right? Right?”

The Doctor paused for a moment, considering. “Well, given the artron energy implicit in myself and if Buffy is also composed of um, magic energy, it’s possible a kiss might be good enough.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” said Rose quickly.

“I can live with that,” shrugged Buffy.

“That might work,” Willow said, frowning in consideration.

“With tongues,” said Anya, arms firmly folded.

The Doctor choked, and started playing with his sonic screwdriver a bit more frantically than before.

“What?!” said Anya, as everyone stared at her, “If it doesn’t work, it’s a decent start on their fully sexual system shock. And from the look of him right now, just the thought is enough of a --”

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! went the sonic screwdriver rapidly. The Doctor held it up, blood draining from his face. “Chronal nexus forming in about twenty seconds or so…. we’re out of time!”

Buffy smirked, and stretched. “Why can’t all ways to stop the Apocalypse’s be like this? Tis a far, far better thing that I do…”

The Doctor blanched and backed away as she reached out for him. “No! Wait! Wait! I’ve never… I mean…. How do you do the tongue thing?!?!”

“Oh, for Gods sake,” said Rose and grabbed him by the collars. “It goes a little like this…”

“Ack! No! Wrong fake blonde!” yelled Willow, frantically flicking through her magic book, “Get her off him!!”

She kissed him. Deep and long, as time collapsed around them.

~time hiccupped~

“Huh. Did anyone else feel that?” the Doctor muttered, glancing behind him.

“Never mind the random Sunnydale vampires, okay?” said Willow….

Tags: characters - anya (btvs), characters - buffy (btvs), characters - rose tyler (dw), characters - tenth doctor (dw), characters - willow (btvs), characters - xander (btvs), fandom - buffyverse, fandom - doctor who

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