Setting: Oh, you pick. Post season seven for the Buffyverse certainly.
Characters: Giles, Xander, Dawn, Benton Fraser, Diefenbaker
Disclaimer: Buffy and the gang belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
Summary: The missing Giles and Benton Fraser have just been found by the Scoobies. Unfortunately, their night can only get worse from here on.
Author's Notes: Crack!fic written for Tara Keezer’s birthday.
With a mumbled comment that sounded a lot like “Son of a bitch!” Ray Kowalski shot up the stairs to outside, pulling out his cell as he went.
“Wow,” said Xander staring after him, “The last time I saw anyone leave a room that fast, they ended up with a pry-bar through their stomach.” He took a look through the now quite open hole in the door, and his eyebrows shot way up. “At least me and Willow weren’t quite in that particular position.”
“Oh dear Lord, Xander?!?” said a stunned Giles, desperately wishing he had a hand free enough to clean his glasses.
“Oh yeah, it’s me,” said Xander peering through again. “Tut tut - I see London Britches have fallen down again. Have you been working out and not telling us, Giles?”
Diefenbaker whined. Sinking to the floor, he placed one paw over his eyes. Fraser tried to say something, but on the whole, ball gags are designed to keep people quiet.
“I assure you Xander, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything,” Giles desperately offered.
“Gonna have to be a damn good one to explain away the naked missing Mountie, the leather straps and that industrial vat of lubricant,” observed Xander in a dry tone. Looking around, he spotted a convenient corner and dropped the axe he and Ray had been using on the door.
There was a noise on the stairs and a perky Dawn bounced her way over to Xander. “Hey, Ray said you and Dief found ‘em!”
Xander quickly moved in front of the gap in the door. “Right through here, but I really don’t think you should look.”
Dawn’s brow furrowed. “Why not? Is it gory?”
“No,” said Xander. “Yes!” yelled Giles.
There was a slight pause. Dawn cocked her head on her side and looked at Xander.
She kept looking at him.
“Maybe it’s hypothetically gory as in Buffy will kill me gorily if I let you look.” Xander paused thoughtfully, “Though, to be fair, she’d probably kill Giles first.”
“Ooo!” squealed Dawn, “It’s totally a sex thing, isn’t it!” Her face fell. “And with Giles? Ewwww….”
“You do know I can hear you both perfectly well in here,” observed Giles.
“Two words, Giles,” said Xander, “Naked. Mountie.”
“….I’ll just keep quiet for the moment then.”
“Can I look now?” said Dawn, and made a feint to the left.
Xander expertly blocked her. “Nope, and unless you manage to come up with a really good excuse or threat, you’re not looking.”
Dawn smirked. “Oh yeah, Ray said to tell you Faith was on her way over. Said she knew a thing or two about getting people in and out of restraints.”
“….oh god…” came a small, quiet voice from inside the room. A muffled ‘meep!’ also floated past.
Dawn tried sidling around Xander. “He had red eyes, you know.”
“Who, Ray?” Xander queried, “And while Faith is a good threat, Buffy would still kill me.”
Dawn nodded. “Yeah, while he was on the phone. Said he got something in his eye.” Dawn and Xander shared a look, then burst out laughing. “Oh, Ray’s so totally Fraser’s bitch,” she said chuckling.
A faintly indignant “meep!” floated by. Diefenbaker whined again, but in agreement this time.
“Oh hell yes… wait. What do you mean? You’re supposed to be pure and unsullied.” Xander stared at Dawn in growing horror.
Dawn smirked once more. “I’ve been talking with Faith. A lot.”
“….Buffy’s gonna kill me.”
“I assure you there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything,” Giles tried once more.
Xander turned round and yelled through the hole in the door “Don’t tell me, evil demons stole all your clothes, forced you to come to this location and strapped the two of you into various particular sexually graphic poses together.”
“He had to be cheating!”
Xander blinked. Dawn blinked. “Wait…. were you playing kitten poker again?”
Giles’s voice was sounding increasingly aggrieved. “I had a full house - Queens and nines! There was no way he should have been able to raise me.”
Dawn finally managed to wheedle her way next to Xander and stared inside the room. “Is that a…?” she said, pointing.
“No!” Xander said quickly. “You really shouldn’t be looking, you know,” he added, not making any effort to stop her now.
“Oh hush,” Dawn said, punching his arm lightly. “It’s not like I’m surprised by this. You should have heard what he said when we first arrived in Chicago.”
~ + ~
“Oh, lord,” said Giles absently staring up at the Canadian Consulate, “That does take me back to my youth. It’s been so long since I’ve ridden a Mountie.”
“I’m sorry, what?” asked Giles in mild confusion, turning to Dawn.
“You meant with a Mountie. Riding with a Mountie.”
Giles started cleaning his glasses. “Oh yes. Yes, of course. Silly me.”
~ + ~
“He so totally did.”
“Look,” said Giles wearily, “Is there any possible chance that you might finish the heartless mocking, and actually finish getting the door open?”
Xander considered it for a moment. “No.”
“Any particular reason, or are you intending to parade everyone we know in Chicago past here first?”
Xander grinned. “Well, I kinda thought Faith’s Slayer strength might sorta come in handy with this reinforced door and all, but the tour idea sounds fun.”
“We could charge them,” Dawn said thoughtfully. “How much does a Mountie normally get paid? I wouldn’t want to price out Turnbull. Or Inspector Thatcher.”
Frasier turned increasingly pale, and tugged harder on his restraints.
“Hey, wonder if Ray’s got a camera in his cellphone….”
~Fin for now~